I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
