just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he was CRYING into my vagina
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
