i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
