Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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