I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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