I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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