i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
