My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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