It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
