So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
