when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
