I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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