Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
