I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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