I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
