the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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