just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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