I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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