Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Randomize
