Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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