Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
