I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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