Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
