when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
