hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
