I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
