Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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