Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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