i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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