either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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