I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
