You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
