her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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