Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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