Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
