I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
