I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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