Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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