go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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