Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
