I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
