You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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