Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
