and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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