I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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