Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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