I didn't shave. On purpose
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He felt like a one man threesome
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
