Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
my nose is crying tears of wow.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
