I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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