I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
