Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
